The ‘wellness’ trend shows no signs of abating, with yet more offerings from well-intentioned, dewy-skinned yoga-disciples clogging up the Amazon charts; but do you know your spiraliser from your dehydrator or your zoats from your zoodles? Never fear, Gluten Free B is here with a handy guide to the terminology beloved of the nutritionally-confused. May it help you in your quest to get the glow.
Adjectives (preferably paired with a superlative e.g. ‘Soooo nourishing’, ‘The BEST EVER raw brownies’.)
Nourishing – contains twice your daily recommended calorie intake
Affordable – £15 worth of chia seeds/psyllium husks
Sugar free – contains half a bottle of maple syrup
Healthier – replace all grains with almonds, all white sugar with dates and/or maple syrup – bingo! ‘Healthy’ cake.
Guilt free – contains no ingredients the author considers ‘dirty’. Implication: you should feel guilty for your normal diet (See Clean Eating)
Raw – absolutely not heated above 42ºc. Until you chuck it in the oven with the rest of the ingredients.
Organic – produce that comes with free mud, for £2.50 extra
Activated -giving nuts a nice long bath to wake them up. No, me neither.
Food stuffs (sometimes debatable)
Bone broth – stock (made with a smug look on face)
Vegan bone broth – vegetable stock (made with a very smug look on face)
Brownie– dates and almonds squished together with cacao
Bliss balls – dates and almonds squished together with coconut
Energy bar – dates and almonds squished together in bar form
Dessert – something else with dates and almonds squished together
Chia pudding – frogspawn, with styling
Goop – the bits of kale mulch you can’t get out from under your Nutribullet blades from which Gwynnie named her lifestyle blog (no other blenders are available)
Gluten – a government conspiracy to poison us all
Smoothie bowl – for when you have no clean glasses left
Green smoothie – a practice of making vegetables as unpalatable as possible as a modern form of self-flagellation.
Diets & Lifestyles
Vegan – ‘actually I prefer not to define myself or my way of eating, or judge others based on theirs’
Plant-based – vegan, with PR
Paleo – a person possessing high disposable income and knee socks
Pegan – a person possessing high disposable income and a Spiraliser (see Spiraliser)
Clean-eating – ‘I love to define myself and my way of eating as morally superior to yours’
Juice-cleanse – a special time in a lady’s calendar when she is a little on the irritable side
Detox – a ritualistic post-Christmas mourning period devoid of joy and alcohol (see also: Juice-cleanse)
The glow – apparently not lady-perspiration, but displaying an air of general self-satisfaction whilst wearing yoga kit
Spiraliser – a kind of vegetable torture rack NOT as I’ve found out a glorified cheese-grater
Vitamix – Hopefully you don’t need to work because you’ll have sold your car to get this one, but ‘it’s so much more than a blender!’
I trust that you found this little summary useful, I’m off for a spot of restorative yoga and a green smoothie made with almond milk. I wish I was joking ;)